Any and all kinds of love..

How much is the concept of happily ever after influenced by our upbringing and family setting?

Is there any truth to children from broken homes not being able to have healthy adult relationships because of the relationships their parents had with each other.

I’ve been thinking lately about the guys I’ve dated and wondering how much my decision to be with them was influenced by my dad being absent and how he treated my mum when he was there.

Growing up I knew our family was different, we had both parents yes but I could always tell something was off. My mum sheltered us from alot so it wasn’t until Grade 6 that I actually understood what was really going on.

My dad’s job required alot of travelling so it was easy to explain his absence and he would always make an appearance after a while. To a child between 2 and 5 the job story made sense but from age 7, things just didn’t add up.

In retrospect I realize there was nothing I craved more than normalcy back then. I made up so many stories at school just to be the same as everyone else, consequently I didn’t have any genuine friendships or connections because I didn’t want anyone to find out what my life was really like.

Fast forward to 2021, I just turned 35 hence the post mortem on my life. I’m doing okay career wise, I have an amazing daughter but I have a couple of failed relationships under my belt.

Ofcourse it takes two to tango and both parties have a stake in whether a relationship works or not. But I’ve been wondering lately whether the choice of men played the biggest role in the relationship not working out.

Do I subconsciously choose men who will not be physically and emotionally available because that’s what I knew growing up?

Do the phrases you married your mum or dad actually have some psychological accuracy and are we choosing to be with the very same people who hurt us growing up?

Does growing up in a broken home make us settle for any and all kinds of love even if it’s not the right love just so we have someone?

A lot of times children from such families will blame themselves for a parent leaving assuming its coz they were not a good enough son or daughter, especially if the parent leaves and starts another family.

Does childhood trauma make us reject people who could be great for us because we somehow dont think we deserve it?

My post today has more questions than answers but writing is about pouring out what’s in your heart and mind. Drop a comment down below if you can relate or have some answers to the questions based on your own experience.

…………………my two cents……….

Friday photo thought:Unchanged

The sun is still the sun even behind the thickest clouds.
Whatever you’re going through doesn’t make you less than who you are, hang in there.

Friday photo thought: Mum guilt when does it end?

We argued yesterday because I said she needs to reduce her screen time. Teenagers 🙉 things go from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds.

So now she’s giving me the silent treatment,im at work feeling like I’m the one who did something wrong.

When do mum’s catch a break? When they’re younger we feel bad leaving them even for a few minutes, now they don’t want to be seen with you.

I remember not being able to buy something for myself without immediately feeling like i was being a bad mum coz I hadn’t bought something for her.

Somedays are so good,we are the best of friends but the bad days are so very bad.Oh the joy’s of motherhood…

Friday Photo Thought: Pause

We are moving so fast these days in every direction, sometimes you just need to take a minute and take in what’s around you.

Platonic guy friend: myth or reality?

I’m at the car wash, minding my own business waiting for my car to get cleaned. I didnt really notice the guy sitting next to me so I hadn’t realized he was talking to me.

The car wash is right next to the road and he points out a dog trying to cross the road but looks like he’s hurt he cant walk properly.

So he was asking if I can help him get the pup of the road. I agree and we get the poor thing onto the side walk he looks like his days are numbered though.

We walk back to the car wash discussing how sad it is that the dog will probably die and no one will even miss it.

Then he asks my name and whether I live close by, seems innocent enough..I oblige. He introduces himself too and I respond politely ‘nice to meet you’

I go back to my e-book and almost miss him asking if I’m single..forward much!No I say and i don’t say anything else, he continues you’re very pretty it was a long shot.I’m like thanks really not sure what else to say.

Anyway my car is done and it’s time to leave, on the drive home I’m thinking to myself if I was rude or just keeping my boundaries very clear. Let me know what you think in the comments, do innocent convos with a perfect stranger exist?

Are there any guys who just start up a conversation to be friendly and pass the time or is there always a motive?Would love to hear what the guys have to say? Indulge me in the comments.

…….my two cents…..

Why does it still hurt?

He has been doing this since I was 3,

This houdini act, now you see him-now you dont.

I didn’t really understand it but it all made sense when I turned 13.

He had always been restless couldn’t stay in one place for too long,

Was it us? Was it mum? Weren’t we enough?

What was he searching for and why was he okay dragging everyone down as he looked for it?

I’m 33 now, I have my own home and we live on different continents,

But every year he will come ‘home’ and open that old wound for all of us.

We should be over this by now but we’re not.

He might be in the country but we will only see him once maybe twice if we’re lucky.

They say we should make peace with our childhood demons, confront them head on and just deal with them.

How do you do that with someone who is oblivious of the havoc their actions and sometimes lack there of has wrecked on an entire family, ‘his family’

When does it end? When will he finally have had enough? Is there a point to any of this?

…………..my two cents……..

Goodnight, I love you.

I was confused, hadn’t we just argued 2 hours ago. It was the first time we didn’t kiss goodbye, I didn’t even respond when he said we should talk later.

So why was he texting me?

My response : Aren’t you mad at me?

His response: I can be mad at you and still love you and wish you a goodnight.

This is not something I’m used to,conflict resolution in my past relationships has always been done after atleast a few hours of silent treatment. In retrospect that was not a healthy approach and sometimes it even made things worse.

Disagreements are a part of life but we do not always like to have difficult conversations, we prefer to sweep things under the rug and that goes for all our relationships, not just romantic entanglements.

So it’s a welcome surprise to be with someone who wants to talk and figure things out. Someone who still says I love you in the middle of a fight because at the end of the day nothing else matters.

Well I’m here for it, I just need to reset to factory settings and start with a clean slate. Not all the old tricks will make it into this new chapter.

……………my two cents………

Who’s in charge of your happiness?

Happiness is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, in an African setting having a roof over your head, food to eat, access to healthcare and education should be the epitomy of a good life and therefore should equal happiness.

Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful that I had all these things as a child and even now as an adult when they remain elusive to more than 50% of the population on our continent.

But does having the basic needs automatically result in one being happy. Is that it?Isn’t there more?In this era where we’re dealing with poverty, disease, insecurity and now even a pandemic-happiness seems like such a trivial thing.

Coming from a broken family I always thought finding love and having my own family would be the answer to being happy. Sure enough that is a great source of happiness, what happens when things dont work out though?

Having a child,bringing a little human into this world has got to be one of the happiest experiences in life. The best thing is that this continues throughout your life as you watch them grow and experience each milestone along the way.

Being a successful professional, doing something you love everyday is definitely a reason to be happy. But are we all working in a job we love or are we just a part of the rat race, just trying to get by?

Does having all the above complete you or is there still something missing? I’m coming to the realization that your happiness cannot be tied entirely to other people or things around you.

Are you happy in your own company? What do you have that is solely yours and no matter what happens you will always have it?

Is it writing, reading, travelling, cooking, hiking, working out and does it have to be one thing? I think you should have as many things as you can handle that are a source of happiness just for you.

It’s not the best idea and perhaps not even fair to tie your happiness to just one thing or person.That’s alot of pressure for them to handle and at the end of the day shouldn’t we be happy and content on our own before we’re able to add to it with others?

………….my two cents………

Whatever you do,don’t cry.

I was raised to view crying as a sign of weakness,letting anyone-even yourself see your vulnerability is how you lose your power.

Crying was for children because they don’t know how else to express themselves. Once you can speak then you should use your words, otherwise after a certain age-crying is just ridiculous!

I am the kind of person who cries watching extreme home make over,so you can imagine how hard this lesson was for me. The trick was to always make sure I was in no one’s line of sight should my emotions get the better of me.

I came to associate crying with shame, it was something to be avoided and if it must happen then it should always be hidden. I had never seen my mum,my siblings or even my cousins crying, so I was convinced it was unheard of.

This isn’t to say my family had nothing to cry about,there was plenty to go around but I guess the memo had been received, loud and clear.

So in sixth grade when my parents separated and life took a turn for the worst for us, I would eat lunch alone in class, crying as quietly as possible and making sure the evidence was wiped off before the bell rang.

In high school when I had my first heart break -this one definitely fell in the no crying category. I couldnt give a boy that much power and unfortunately it took me having to raise my baby alone to realise there was no power struggle in heart ache. I cried almost every night for nearly 2 months. Blame it post partum, blame it on the fear of screwing up a whole other human..but It helped to get it all out.

The older I get , I’m having to deal with so many feelings, some big – some not so important anymore, some from things I had buried deep within me all because I couldn’t just have a good cry and let them out. I’m still working on the not hiding it part but one step at a time.

It obviously doesn’t solve whatever is happening, but it does at the least acknowledge that something has happened and starts me on the path to healing or just allows me to feel the pain and process it.

I’m letting myself cry whatever the reason might be, whether it’s the twists and turns on Grey’s Anatomy, the unknowns of falling in love again or the adventures of raising a teenager.There’s no shame in it and no one should dictate its appropriateness.

…………….my two cents………

The noise.

At home i’m surrounded by it; the sound of the tv, the microwave, music playing, children laughing outside,conversations with family

At work I try to block it out but still it’s there ; from my computer, the printing machine,my colleagues, the air conditioning

In your arms it still finds a space; from your breathing, your snore when you fall asleep and the loudest-the thoughts in my mind

It’s finally hit me though, the noise can be good and it can also be bad. It can be proof that I’m surrounded by love and life or it can be the past that wont let me be in the present or dream about the future.

All I have to do is choose.

………….my two cents……