I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.
I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.
Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury. I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.
How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.
I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears were left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..
But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.
There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..
Im generally not a very trusting person , my motto for a long time was ‘trust no one till they give you a reason to’
That does not work well in relationships though as you have to open yourself up to let the other person in.Vulnerability is often a high price to pay especially if you have been burnt before.
The reward though when you experience an amazing connection and fall in love is well worth it. Its a world full of rainbows and butterflies one can only understand it through experience.
The true test comes when life keeps throwing surprises at you. Sometimes they’re good which just goes to increase the love, but sometimes they’re bad.
This is when your proclamations of love really count. When you’re character is put to test, how do you react when you’re struggling to pay bills? when you have to cut down on some luxuries?
Do you still experience the rainbows and butterflies when times are hard? That’s when ‘I will love you always, no matter what’ counts.
What do you do when ‘no matter what’ comes sooner rather than later?Do you cut your losses and run for the hills? Even fairytales had their fair share of life surprises, evil witches and all that.
Happily ever after isnt a perfect life without problems, its about fighting to keep the rainbows and butterflies even through the worst of storms.
…………my two cents ………
My head is still spinning from that conversation,I have been waking up thinking it was just my imagination running wild as usual …
Its been two weeks since you looked me in the eye and said we we’re no more…
That you did not see a future for us…I remember sitting there naively waiting to hear you out,
Happy that you finally wanted to talk,the thought of you ending things had never crossed my mind..
Sure we had some problems but which couple doesn’t?The recent financial pressure hadn’t been helping much..still I thought we were going to be fine.
We were in this for keeps,through good times and bad…
You’ve moved to a new city though and I moved to a new house,this is real..
I wake up everyday and go through the paces,my friends say I’m strong
I don’t see it though,my heart is crashed into tiny little pieces,
I don’t understand what happened,WHY it happened..
You seem like a stranger to me now and not the person who promised me forever,
All our dreams and plans for the future,gone ..
Your presence,your scent,gone…
I am left with memories that on most days I don’t know what to do with…
Was it real or make belief?
When did you decide we couldn’t work?
When did you decide you could live without me?
When will i get rid of this empty feeling you’ve left inside me?
Is it a casualty of the 21st century?Are we so busy now working 16 hour shifts,trying to keep up with the Morgan’s,splashing our ‘perfect’ lives on social media ,envying each other,judging each other ..that it has become okay to settle for whatever comes your way just to fit into some stereotype of what a successful, happy,person is supposed to be.
We have redefined success to be something that is measured by how much material wealth someone has, never mind the fact that for most its bought on credit and might very well be the reason your children do not go to college.
Relationships are now casual hookups to be walked in and out of whenever they stop fulfilling the short term goals they we’re set up for.Marriage is no longer a lifetime commitment,people are making vows they know full well they do not intend to keep.
The reasons for getting married have also done a complete turn around,if your a woman in her thirties then there is all this pressure to get married and have children because apparently some clock is ticking.So what if you haven’t met the right person yet?Do you just marry the first man who comes your way because the clock is ticking?
A young man with a good job,a car and a house is reminded constantly that he now has to find a wife and start a family.But do these pressure givers take the time to prepare him for marriage and the responsibilities it comes with.We are so busy judging what people are doing and deciding how they should be doing it different,we forget the decisions we are forcing them to make will affect their lives forever.
Is it really worth it,to look like you have the good life when in actual sense you are knee deep in debt?
Is it that important to be in a relationship that society approves of ,that we’re okay being in loveless marriages,some filled with all kinds of abuse.
What kind of blue print are we living for our children if we bring them up in a commercialized world,where everything is at face value and very few people love or at the very least genuinely care for each other..
Nothing in this world is perfect,but that’s no excuse to settle for whatever the wind blows your way,especially if its going to define you for the rest of your life.
……………………………………….my two cents…………………………………..
Sometimes it feels like no matter how hard I try am falling short,whether its at being a mum,a wife,a daughter,a sister or even at work.But falling short based on whose standards,mine?And if so should I then cut myself some slack or maintain them so that I’m always working towards being a better me.
If its not by my standards then should I break my back trying to live up to other peoples expectations?When we were kids I thought my mum was super woman,now that I’m older though I realize she was doing so much and dealing with her own issues as working mother and wife.
There are these roles that are expected of both men and women either by society or just as a status quo we have come to except them.How realistic are they though?For instance,men are supposed to be the providers in their family.
In today’s world two income homes are becoming more common,how then does this affect the role of the man, if at all?I remember my dad making Sunday breakfast sometimes but that was a rare occurrence,talking from my own experience,I don’t know how I would survive if my husband didn’t help out with dinner or dishes every so often.
Does this make me any less of a wife or mother or him less of a man?I don’t think so!I love that my daughter will have numerous memories of making breakfast with her dad,doing school projects or sorting the laundry,so that mummy does not have to be up all night doing chores.
So to hell with people’s standards and expectations,I’ll go with what works for me and my family.I’ll give myself a hard time every once in a while because I’m my own worst critic but I can handle me…
…… ……………………..my two cents……………………………………..