Locusts and the S on my chest..

Locusts and the S on my chest..

It’s funny how something can unexpectedly make you realize or admit a truth you didn’t know was there or didn’t want to acknowledge….

So I was picking the laundry on Saturday evening and there were these two larger than life locusts on my daughter’s school shirts..

How being a mum works for me is the S on my chest appears if I need to be brave for my baby because we can’t both freak out.

Thing is I am afraid of all things.. insects, animals,some human beings..you get the drift.Anyway I sucked it up long enough to get the locusts off the clothes all the while cringing at the thought of them jumping on me..

Finally I could freak out..but instead I got mad.Mad at him for leaving and making me have to deal with locusts and flat tires, and bills, and everything that he used to do because he had promised to take care of us..

A year ago, I would have sent him an angry text saying exactly that. Instead I finished my mental rant, checked to make sure I didn’t have a locust on me and finished picking the laundry.

One day at a time.. Right?

…..my two cents…..

Advertisements
This thing called love…

This thing called love…

It’s only human to want to be loved and to give love…I think there’s some science behind our being social beings or something like that.We can deny it,try to fight it or down play it but deep down we all want to be part of something that’s bigger than us,to have that special someone who makes us feel like we belong…

I had that,I actually went as far as calling it true love..he made me laugh,he protected me,he loved me,he was there for me whenever I need him…then in a split second it was all gone…

heartbreakpanel6

At first its like your on auto pilot,just trying to get through one day at a time..then things settle down and you’re not so angry anymore,you’re all cried out,you go almost a week without thinking about him…you start to see clearly,you can honestly analyse what happened and reach an honest conclusion..

I remember after it happened just wishing it was a nightmare that i kept having night after night and eventually it would stop…

Wishing he would call and take it back and beg to come back…

One month,two months,three months down the line and I realize its true that time heals,I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to call anymore.

I had started rediscovering myself,I was living,,then it hit me I can live without him…..Then he calls,and he says all those things I wished he would say …

Surprise surprise though,,I am not where I was when he ended things,I have decided I don’t want to be a part of something at any cost,I don’t want him back because now I don’t trust him,I am not sure what we had was true love because then it wouldn’t have been so easy to just walk away….

wordpress 3

Do i have moments of sadness,when I just look back and think we had it all…of course!I think when you spend enough time with someone they are left with a part of you forever..

Do i still want to be a part of something?to have that someone special? Of course..

But i’m okay for now,,I’m living vicariously through my favorite shows.,going for drinks with my girls,enjoying just being me.

I’m taking a beat,I find sometimes we rush into things and end up getting way more than we bargained for…

wordpress

Sometimes its okay to just be in the moment..

……………………………………………….my two cents………………………………….

Broken…

Broken…

broken

I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.

Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury.  I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.

How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.

I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears were left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..

But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.

There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..

 

 

 

 

 

Happily ever after doesn’t mean perfect! 

Happily ever after doesn’t mean perfect! 

Im generally not a very trusting person , my motto for a long time was ‘trust no one till they give you a reason to’ 

That does not work well in relationships though as you have to open yourself up to let the other person in.Vulnerability is often a high price to pay especially if you have been burnt before. 

The reward though when you experience an amazing connection and fall in love is well worth it. Its a world  full of rainbows and butterflies one can only understand it through experience. 
The true test comes when life keeps throwing surprises at you. Sometimes they’re good which just goes to increase the love, but sometimes they’re bad. 
This is when your proclamations of love really count. When you’re character is put to test, how do you react when you’re struggling to pay bills? when you have to cut down on some luxuries?

Do you still experience the rainbows and butterflies when times are hard? That’s when ‘I will love you always, no matter what’ counts. 

What do you do when ‘no matter what’ comes sooner rather than later?Do you cut your losses and run for the hills? Even fairytales had their fair share of life surprises, evil witches and all that. 

Happily ever after isnt a perfect life without  problems, its about fighting  to keep the rainbows and butterflies even through the worst of storms. 

…………my two cents ……… 

Gone…..

Gone…..

My head is still spinning from that conversation,I have been waking up thinking it was just my imagination running wild as usual …

Its been two weeks since you looked me in the eye and said we we’re no more…

That you did not see a future for us…I remember sitting there naively waiting to hear you out,

Happy that you finally wanted to talk,the thought of you ending things had never crossed my mind..

Sure we had some problems but which couple doesn’t?The recent financial pressure hadn’t been helping much..still I thought we were going to be fine.

We were in this for keeps,through good times and bad…

You’ve moved to a new city though and I moved to a new house,this is real..

I wake up everyday and go through the paces,my friends say I’m strong

I don’t see it though,my heart is crashed into tiny little pieces,

I don’t understand what happened,WHY it happened..

You seem like a stranger to me now and not the person who promised me forever,

All our dreams and plans for the future,gone ..

Your presence,your scent,gone…

I am left with memories that on most days I don’t know what to do with…

Was it real or make belief?

When did you decide we couldn’t work?

When did you decide you could live without me?

When will i get rid of this empty feeling you’ve left inside me?