Friday photo thought :Strength. 

Friday photo thought :Strength. 

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Broken…

Broken…

broken

I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.

Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury.  I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.

How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.

I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears were left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..

But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.

There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..

 

 

 

 

 

Our first two digit birthday…. 

Our first two digit birthday…. 

My daughter’s birthday is usually an emotional time for me, it comes with soo many memories from when she was born to where we are now.. 

It sometimes seems surreal how fast time flies. Just the other day we we’re celebrating milestones like her first word, her first day at school. 

Our conversations were based on her numerous why and how questions. Now they’re full of well thought out opinions and arguements. 

I always write  a post on her birthday but she does not get to read my posts, so she’ll never be privy to my thoughts. 

Then I got to thinking the posts could be an awesome present for her one day.I  could compile them and give them to her when she turns eighteen.

Growing up I dnt really have an open relationship with my mum, where we could talk about stuff . 

That’s one of the things I work hard to cultivate with my daughter. That she will always be able to talk me,even when we get to the teenage drama. 

Its humbling to see your child practising what you have taught her, to know that you are doing something right especially in today’s world where our kids are exposed to so much. 

Her birthday is not only about her growth but about mine as well. There is no manual for parents, most of us are just trying our best and learning as we go. 

So here’s to my princess as she turns ten and to me as i grow into a better and hopefully wiser mother. 

Happily ever after doesn’t mean perfect! 

Happily ever after doesn’t mean perfect! 

Im generally not a very trusting person , my motto for a long time was ‘trust no one till they give you a reason to’ 

That does not work well in relationships though as you have to open yourself up to let the other person in.Vulnerability is often a high price to pay especially if you have been burnt before. 

The reward though when you experience an amazing connection and fall in love is well worth it. Its a world  full of rainbows and butterflies one can only understand it through experience. 
The true test comes when life keeps throwing surprises at you. Sometimes they’re good which just goes to increase the love, but sometimes they’re bad. 
This is when your proclamations of love really count. When you’re character is put to test, how do you react when you’re struggling to pay bills? when you have to cut down on some luxuries?

Do you still experience the rainbows and butterflies when times are hard? That’s when ‘I will love you always, no matter what’ counts. 

What do you do when ‘no matter what’ comes sooner rather than later?Do you cut your losses and run for the hills? Even fairytales had their fair share of life surprises, evil witches and all that. 

Happily ever after isnt a perfect life without  problems, its about fighting  to keep the rainbows and butterflies even through the worst of storms. 

…………my two cents ……… 

Gone…..

Gone…..

My head is still spinning from that conversation,I have been waking up thinking it was just my imagination running wild as usual …

Its been two weeks since you looked me in the eye and said we we’re no more…

That you did not see a future for us…I remember sitting there naively waiting to hear you out,

Happy that you finally wanted to talk,the thought of you ending things had never crossed my mind..

Sure we had some problems but which couple doesn’t?The recent financial pressure hadn’t been helping much..still I thought we were going to be fine.

We were in this for keeps,through good times and bad…

You’ve moved to a new city though and I moved to a new house,this is real..

I wake up everyday and go through the paces,my friends say I’m strong

I don’t see it though,my heart is crashed into tiny little pieces,

I don’t understand what happened,WHY it happened..

You seem like a stranger to me now and not the person who promised me forever,

All our dreams and plans for the future,gone ..

Your presence,your scent,gone…

I am left with memories that on most days I don’t know what to do with…

Was it real or make belief?

When did you decide we couldn’t work?

When did you decide you could live without me?

When will i get rid of this empty feeling you’ve left inside me?

Smiling over the issues… 

Smiling over the issues… 

I used to pity the couples we see in traffic, each person lost in their own thoughts, the only reason theyre in the same car is to follow some routine to drop the kids to school or for convenience to get a ride to work . .. 

There was a time they loved being in eachother ‘s company when there wasnt enough time for all the things they wanted to say…. Now theyre doesn’t seem to be enough words to pass all the time they have to spend together…. . 

I vowed id never put myself  in such a situation, I would rather be single talking to myself than in a relationship where we dnt say anything to eachother….pass the salt and pick the baby dnt count as conversation….

Its easier to judge and comment when your on the outside looking in though. Relationships take a lot of work. You have to show up everyday, remember what you love about eachother even when your not feeling it at that moment.. 

Its a slippery slope between love and hate, it starts with the small things, like not checking in on eachother during the day or talking about your day when you get home. Sayin sorry when your wrong or have hurt their feelings becomes too high a price for your pride to pay. You stop considering your partner when making plans and pretty soon your like roomates… 

Smiling over the issues in public barely noticing eachother in private.Staying together for the kids, or because you can’t afford to live on your own. .Settling because you dnt put in the work to keep your relationship real…