Broken…

Broken…

broken

I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.

Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury.  I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.

How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.

I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears we’re left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..

But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.

There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..

 

 

 

 

 

Gone…..

Gone…..

My head is still spinning from that conversation,I have been waking up thinking it was just my imagination running wild as usual …

Its been two weeks since you looked me in the eye and said we we’re no more…

That you did not see a future for us…I remember sitting there naively waiting to hear you out,

Happy that you finally wanted to talk,the thought of you ending things had never crossed my mind..

Sure we had some problems but which couple doesn’t?The recent financial pressure hadn’t been helping much..still I thought we were going to be fine.

We were in this for keeps,through good times and bad…

You’ve moved to a new city though and I moved to a new house,this is real..

I wake up everyday and go through the paces,my friends say I’m strong

I don’t see it though,my heart is crashed into tiny little pieces,

I don’t understand what happened,WHY it happened..

You seem like a stranger to me now and not the person who promised me forever,

All our dreams and plans for the future,gone ..

Your presence,your scent,gone…

I am left with memories that on most days I don’t know what to do with…

Was it real or make belief?

When did you decide we couldn’t work?

When did you decide you could live without me?

When will i get rid of this empty feeling you’ve left inside me?

Why do you hate my mum.. 

Why do you hate my mum.. 

You courted her, proposed and finally before God and man vowed to be her provider and protecter, to respect, support and love her till death do you part. 

Over the years you have broken all of these vows, you have rewarded the woman who stuck by you through good and bad times with nothing but pain and heart ache. 

You say you love us, that we are your blood. Do you think we fell from the sky?  Have you forgotten the person who bore  you three children.. There is no us without her… 

Granted relationships are hard and they dnt always work. Common decency dictates tho that you respect one another, have some decorum and keep your dirty laundry to yourself. 

You say she’s brainwashed us and that she wants to turn us against you. But you did that all on your own when you not only left home but also checked out of our lives. The pop in and out dsnt count, we’re not a drive through. .. 

You dnt get our unconditional loyalty to her, well let me simplify it for you. You left, she stayed!She has always been there for us, even when we dnt have anything  to eat or money for bills. Never did she say one bad thing about you. 

Then you want to act some type of way because we know the struggles she’s had to go through to raise us and wunt let you continue to disrespect and hurt her. .. 

Why do you hate the woman who has kept your home since you walked  out 20 years ago. .. 

Why do you hate the woman who carried  your three beautiful children.. 

Why do you hate the woman who insisted we have to respect you because no matter what you are our father…. 

Sit still look pretty… 

Sit still look pretty… 

The year is 2016, we live a global  village, information is at our fingers tips, people have been to the moon and back, technology is the norm to an extent where the possibilities of innovation are end less.. . Yet my being an intelligent, confident, self aware, assertive beautiful woman is for some people still unfathomable. 


Apparently its a mystery  how a girl  can do well  in school, in some instances  even better than the boys in her class. 

How the same girl grows into a smart woman who  excells at work relying only on her brains and not her long legs or pretty face. 

Im still shocked that half of America,  would rather vote in a candidate who unapologetically showed his ugly true  colours over a capable woman. Granted she had made some mistakes in the past, but dnt we all? ! 

My daughter excells at everything she does, like so many little girls her age. Girls are taking centre stage both in academics and extra curriculum activities… And i intend to continue encouraging and supporting her to do even better. 

I refuse to dumb myself down to stroke anyones ego. I refuse to tell my little girl she cnt do something she’s interested in because its supposed to be a preserve for boys.. 

Don’t get me wrong,  was i raising a boy, I would teach him the same values and expose him to the same opportunities. Most of all teach him to respect others abilities and not to judge them based on their gender , race,  religion,political affiliation or other demographic features. 

I am capable of too much to just sit and look pretty!Our daughters’, our sisters, our mothers are capable of too  much to just sit and look pretty. 

……….. ….. my two cents. .. … … 

Taking the high road… 

Taking the high road… 

It sounds simple enough in theory but practically its much more of a task. We all have a rough idea of how we would act in a certain situation, then when it actualy happens we behave in the exact opposite way. 

Granted we’re human and sometimes emotions run high and things happen way faster than logic can handle. 

I dnt know about you but Im my own worst critic and i usually perfom a post analysis when i lose my cool just to try and see how i could have acted different.  

I wunt lie, some people make it difficult to even remember the high road exists. Iv been having too many of these moments lately especially at work and iv just decided enough is enough. 

I wunt be that person who takes the bait and in the end looks like the bad guy. Some people dnt deserve you using so much energy just to prove your right. Thats what karma is for! 

Sooner or later they will get what’s coming to them and you wont even have to lift a finger! 

Settling for less..when did it become okay?

Settling for less..when did it become okay?

Is it a casualty of the 21st century?Are we so busy now working 16 hour shifts,trying to keep up with the Morgan’s,splashing our ‘perfect’ lives on social media ,envying each other,judging each other ..that it has become okay to settle for whatever comes your way just to fit into some stereotype of what a successful, happy,person is supposed to be.

We have redefined success to be something that is measured by how much material wealth someone has, never mind the fact that for most its bought on credit and might very well be the reason your children do not go to college.

Relationships are now casual hookups to be walked in and out of whenever they stop fulfilling the short term goals they we’re set up for.Marriage is no longer a lifetime commitment,people are making vows they know full well they do not intend to keep.

The reasons for getting married have also done a complete turn around,if your a woman in her thirties then there is all this pressure to get married and have children because apparently some clock is ticking.So what if you haven’t met the right person yet?Do you just marry the first man who comes your way because the clock is ticking?

A young man with a good job,a car and a house is reminded constantly that he now has to find a wife and start a family.But do these pressure givers take the time to prepare him for marriage and  the responsibilities it comes with.We are so busy judging what people are doing and deciding how they should be doing it different,we forget the decisions we are forcing them to make will affect their lives forever.

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Is it really worth it,to look like you have the good life when in actual sense you are knee deep in debt?

Is it that important to be in a relationship that society approves of ,that we’re okay being in loveless marriages,some filled with all kinds of abuse.

What kind of blue print are we living for our children if we bring them up in a commercialized world,where everything is at face value and very few people love or at the very  least genuinely care for each other..

Nothing in this world is perfect,but that’s no excuse to settle for whatever the wind blows your way,especially if its going to define you for the rest of your life.

……………………………………….my two cents…………………………………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

The big Three O!

The big Three O!

Time flies is becoming more than an understatement,I turn 30 tomorrow and honestly it seems like my life has been moving in fast forward.I thought teachers we’re just being harsh when they said things would be very different once we left school.

Campus was a hoot though and for a while we created our own reality but that did not last forever.Graduation soon came and it was time to go deal with real life.But thirty was still far away and boy did I have plans,things I had to achieve or do by the time I turned thirty.

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First on the list was getting a good job,well it has been an up and down kind of ride but I’m finally working at a job i really enjoy and it can only get better.Second on the list was finding Mr.Right,I learned the hard way you can’t plan for this one.Believe me the frogs did not disappoint but I did meet my prince charming and I couldn’t be happier.

I was going to have two kids by the time I turned 28 but as fate would have it,this wasn’t an exact science either.I am the proud mummy of a beautiful brilliant little girl and we’re  working on the second born,watch this space 🙂

Looking back I don’t know what I was so afraid of about turning 30.I have grown up so much since my days of claiming I’d be 18 till i die. I now know life can’t fully be planned out and I don’t really sweat the small stuff.Instead I’m grateful for all I have,for the good and bad things that have happened to me,because they got me here.

So happy thirtieth birthday to me,can’t wait to see what the next phase of my life has to offer!

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……………………………my two cents………………………………………