Broken…

Broken…

broken

I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.

Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury.  I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.

How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.

I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears we’re left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..

But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.

There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..

 

 

 

 

 

Our first two digit birthday…. 

Our first two digit birthday…. 

My daughter’s birthday is usually an emotional time for me, it comes with soo many memories from when she was born to where we are now.. 

It sometimes seems surreal how fast time flies. Just the other day we we’re celebrating milestones like her first word, her first day at school. 

Our conversations were based on her numerous why and how questions. Now they’re full of well thought out opinions and arguements. 

I always write  a post on her birthday but she does not get to read my posts, so she’ll never be privy to my thoughts. 

Then I got to thinking the posts could be an awesome present for her one day.I  could compile them and give them to her when she turns eighteen.

Growing up I dnt really have an open relationship with my mum, where we could talk about stuff . 

That’s one of the things I work hard to cultivate with my daughter. That she will always be able to talk me,even when we get to the teenage drama. 

Its humbling to see your child practising what you have taught her, to know that you are doing something right especially in today’s world where our kids are exposed to so much. 

Her birthday is not only about her growth but about mine as well. There is no manual for parents, most of us are just trying our best and learning as we go. 

So here’s to my princess as she turns ten and to me as i grow into a better and hopefully wiser mother. 

Sit still look pretty… 

Sit still look pretty… 

The year is 2016, we live a global  village, information is at our fingers tips, people have been to the moon and back, technology is the norm to an extent where the possibilities of innovation are end less.. . Yet my being an intelligent, confident, self aware, assertive beautiful woman is for some people still unfathomable. 


Apparently its a mystery  how a girl  can do well  in school, in some instances  even better than the boys in her class. 

How the same girl grows into a smart woman who  excells at work relying only on her brains and not her long legs or pretty face. 

Im still shocked that half of America,  would rather vote in a candidate who unapologetically showed his ugly true  colours over a capable woman. Granted she had made some mistakes in the past, but dnt we all? ! 

My daughter excells at everything she does, like so many little girls her age. Girls are taking centre stage both in academics and extra curriculum activities… And i intend to continue encouraging and supporting her to do even better. 

I refuse to dumb myself down to stroke anyones ego. I refuse to tell my little girl she cnt do something she’s interested in because its supposed to be a preserve for boys.. 

Don’t get me wrong,  was i raising a boy, I would teach him the same values and expose him to the same opportunities. Most of all teach him to respect others abilities and not to judge them based on their gender , race,  religion,political affiliation or other demographic features. 

I am capable of too much to just sit and look pretty!Our daughters’, our sisters, our mothers are capable of too  much to just sit and look pretty. 

……….. ….. my two cents. .. … …