Locusts and the S on my chest..

Locusts and the S on my chest..

It’s funny how something can unexpectedly make you realize or admit a truth you didn’t know was there or didn’t want to acknowledge….

So I was picking the laundry on Saturday evening and there were these two larger than life locusts on my daughter’s school shirts..

How being a mum works for me is the S on my chest appears if I need to be brave for my baby because we can’t both freak out.

Thing is I am afraid of all things.. insects, animals,some human beings..you get the drift.Anyway I sucked it up long enough to get the locusts off the clothes all the while cringing at the thought of them jumping on me..

Finally I could freak out..but instead I got mad.Mad at him for leaving and making me have to deal with locusts and flat tires, and bills, and everything that he used to do because he had promised to take care of us..

A year ago, I would have sent him an angry text saying exactly that. Instead I finished my mental rant, checked to make sure I didn’t have a locust on me and finished picking the laundry.

One day at a time.. Right?

…..my two cents…..

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Broken…

Broken…

broken

I stumbled on it in my phone gallery,a picture,,,his picture,staring back at me,that face of the person I thought I knew like the back of my hand.

I’ve been doing okay all things considered,work is great-busy which demands a lot from me,not leaving much time for wallowing.Of course I knew the pictures we’re there,most of our life is documented in pictures,memories meant to be cherished forever.

Only now they’re like a knife that someone keeps stabbing me with,adding salt to injury.  I’ve thought of deleting them,just getting rid of them but I know I would regret that and there’s no undo button to fall back on.It’s sad really that I can’t bear to part with them because that would make everything real…it’s real though,,my mind knows that,my heart is just having a hard time playing catch up.

How awesome would it be if there was a pill someone could take and all the pain would just go away,,wishful thinking I know, a girl can dream right…They say there are five stages while grieving,I thought there was a particular sequence to these stages like you would start off at denial and end with acceptance.

I realize now it’s not that black and white as I keep alternating from one to the other. I got over the denial and bargaining stages pretty fast, they we’re taken over by anger,lots and lots of it.I wouldn’t say I experienced the depression stage,I mean for a while I did feel like crawling into bed and just crying until no tears were left..block out the rest of the world and just give up..

But I didn’t,,I cried myself to sleep for almost two months,,but I’m getting up everyday,getting my daughter to school,showing up at the job and trying to maintain a normal routine even if its just the two of us now…I’m thinking of this as the acceptance stage…things are not perfect but they are good.

There will be days like today though,when I see a picture,hear a song or remember something that will bring me to my knees,because there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart..and I’m starting to accept that it’s okay,It just has to hurt until it doesn’t anymore..